We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
