dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
