so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I want a musical about memes.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize