his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Four minutes until I can fart!
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
