Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
