my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
