the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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