Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
