NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Randomize
