I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
