8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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