Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
