remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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