I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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