Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
