I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
