I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I don't want my vagina anymore.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
