My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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