There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
