So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
