when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
