please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
