She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's blow job season.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
