I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
