Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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