great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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