Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
