OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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