proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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