He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
