evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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