i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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