remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
