I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
