call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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