I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
