Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
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