Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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