Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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