I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
