I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
