She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
