do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
