We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
