i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
