Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
