So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
