Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize