Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
