My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize