wakey wakey hands off snakey
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
