He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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