I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
