i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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