seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize