I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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