i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
