when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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