Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
