mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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